Wednesday, November 28, 2012

More Than You Probably Wanted to Know, Pt 3

biggest mistake of my life
things would've been very different if you weren't here
I never got to do what I wanted to because of you
you got yourself into that mess. we're not helping you, so don't even ask
you've had your chance at freedom, now I want mine
God's punishing me for having you
you'll never succeed in life if you keep that up
I hate this house. Too many terrible memories in it. 

He explained that "his life would've been so different without me in it".  He "gave up the chances at doing what he wanted, when he wanted, all because of me".  It was the same childhood argument I'd heard so many times.

I lashed out, again.  "No way I'm at fault.  I didn't make me, and I refuse to take responsibility for that action.  If you're going, don't let the door hit you on the @ss on the way out.  Go, and I hope it's worth it."

It was, apparently, but not for long.  I endured the screaming phone calls, from both ends of the family, for about six months.  My grandfather passed away, and my father removed the last of his belongings from the home, all in the few days I went home to mourn.  I lost everything, in just a couple days.  I returned to TX, and I hid.  I didn't take calls from either of them for a few days.  I couldn't handle it.  I was being blamed for what they thought they had to do.  I was half way across the country, living on my own, taking sole care of myself, and I was still "to blame". 

On the way to choir one night, I took a call.  Once again, I was the useless daughter who doesn't care about anyone other than herself.  I wasn't calling, I wasn't checking.  She could be dead, and I wouldn't know.  It's all my fault for not being there for her.  I bet my response was shocking. 

"Remember before I came here?  You made it very clear I was on my own, it was my mess, and I'm cleaning it up alone?  This might not be a mess, but it's not my fault.  I didn't make me.  I didn't get married, and I sure didn't stay married.  I'm here.  If you want to move here, you'll need to get a job and carry your weight.  I refuse to add your cats to my household.  I already have the maximum in annual vet bills I can sustain.  You will have to work to support them, and keep the lights and A/C on.  It's your choice.  However, you won't continue to blame me."

A few years later, they're now co-habitating again.  I guess things are better.  I try to stay out of it.  There's an old saying, somewhere, about beds and lying.  We all know it, but nobody wants to say it aloud to the affected parties.  They made more decisions lately, and I'm here, half a world away, left to understand and adjust.

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