Thursday, November 29, 2012

More Than You Probably Wanted to Know, the horses

biggest mistake of my life
things would've been very different if you weren't here
I never got to do what I wanted to because of you
you'll never succeed in life if you keep that up
you got yourself into that mess. we're not helping you, so don't even ask
you've had your chance at freedom, now I want mine
God's punishing me for having you
I hate this house. Too many terrible memories in it.

Where do the horses fit into all of this?   I don't have some miracle story, where I sat down in the saddle on a school horse, and "realized I have purpose in life", or had a show ride on Ransom/Harley where I came to terms with who I am.  It's not nearly that pretty, or fairy tale -esque.  Just isn't.

Instead, it's a sensation.  A feeling.  Work can suck, my parents can fight, I can feel lower than the crap that hides under a cowboy's shoe.  Something on the job, or personally, can go wrong, and I can feel that if only I'd done ___ or not done ___, it would've all been right.

Then I go outside, and put a saddle on the horse.  Walk to the arena, and mount up.  I can control the ambitions of a 1000# four legged flight animal with the urge of my seat.  I tip my pelvis under me, and he walks on.  I shift my weight, and he will canter off in a fury.  I can channel that energy up in the air in a leap, and with a heavy sigh, come to a complete stop anywhere I choose.  Does this always work exactly like I want?  No way.  More often than not though, I can control my horse much better than I can control my life.  When I feel out of control everywhere else, they ground me and center me.  They give me the feeling of authority and power, even when I'm mid-air looking for the softest dirt patch to land. 

This is my effort to explain who I am, where I've been, and only small pieces of what makes me this way.  I'm incredibly opinionated, and often isolate myself from every other human I see.  I chose retreat over defend nearly every time.  And I still have to "shut off those old tapes" often, to remind myself more of the kitchen table, and less of the insults/defeat/lectures/physical scars.