Wednesday, November 28, 2012

More Than You Probably Wanted to Know, Pt 4

biggest mistake of my life
things would've been very different if you weren't here
I never got to do what I wanted to because of you
you'll never succeed in life if you keep that up
you got yourself into that mess. we're not helping you, so don't even ask
you've had your chance at freedom, now I want mine
God's punishing me for having you 
I hate this house. Too many terrible memories in it. 

Fast forward to now.  I have a lot of days where I can shake loose of all that crap.  I can ignore it, I can look around my little "island", and see how I have ended successfully, if this is even the ending. 

I have a decent home.  I am making all my bills on time.  I have a good job, and I'm good at it.  I've come to terms with who I am, and frequently make jokes at my own expense.  I'm a chemist, not a psychologist or an educator.  I don't claim to be the life of the party.  I'm incredibly naive, and I don't pretend to be "experienced". 

Recently, I learned that last statement.  My parentals are moving.  The house itself stirs up miserable memories, and the neighbors aren't good enough.  A "for sale" sign lurks in the front yard.  Even if I wanted to go home, there won't be a home to go to.  Their new chosen location is farther away, and more difficult to visit.

I'm indifferent over the whole thing.  I can't imagine the interior without a screaming fight, or the sting of getting slapped, again.   But lurking in that house, is a recovery from surgery.  A moment with God that shaped my life.  Post-surgery, 1991.  I sat at the kitchen table, fighting off another headache.  And it was then I realized.. I was spared.  I was saved for some spectacular purpose.  Some purpose my 12-year old head couldn't grasp, but it was out there.  I wasn't punished because I needed the surgery, and it wasn't some punishment like my mother claimed.  Her life wasn't being punished by my illness, and neither was I.  I was changed in the surgery.  A voice that was mine was replaced.  I was spared, and healed, quicker than predicted by anyone with a medical degree.  And even though she said my pain was so she could suffer, it just wasn't true. 

That house holds that moment for me.  Now, I will need to hold it in my head, that kitchen table in the dim light.  The puzzle pieces I was trying to connect.  The realization I had at that moment I could have been dead, and I wasn't. 

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