Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Rest of Life Interfering

Wow, this whole keeping up with my rides thing, you'd think I'd be better at it. I mean, honestly. Since the last BRM ride, I've been riding every other day. Why can't I keep up with this? Well, a few reasons.

#1 My job has become consuming. That's a nice way to say - nobody leaves me alone long enough to even type up a Word .doc and copy/paste.
#2 Other things at work have been miserable. I haven't felt particularly good at my job lately.
#3 The rest of my life, well, haven't felt real good at that lately, either.

Simply put, I think I've been battling some kind of depression. I find too often, I'm sitting at home, thinking, "This is it?!" I worked soo hard in school all six years, earned that extra degree, at the expense of social interactions & friendships. All I focused on was that good grade, on one more test, or one more lab gone right. One more paper written well, and one more event skipped to write it well. I spent two years in South Carolina that, frankly, I'd rather forget and skip in my memory.

Now, I'm here in South Texas. My job still pays well, I'm making a few friends, R is there quite often, and is involved in all my insanity I call normal. I am riding my butt off - let's face that right now. I am riding less often, but when my tail is in a saddle, it's w-o-r-k. (And as ya'll shall see in video to come soon and judge's remarks, it's paying off.) Socially, I'm making lasting friendships, and reconnecting with old friends that I had no idea cherished me like they do now. My family and I, well, don't speak much anymore, for a lot of reasons. That's probably a large part of my problems. They blamed me for a lot as a kid, and probably still blame me now. Things I didn't do and things I didn't cause. I've been saying for 30-something years now, "Just ignore it". It's not working as well as it used to. As if all that just isn't enough, well, my church life is a mess. I've gone through all the things the leadership has asked me to do, "Jumped the hoops, done the dance", and I feel like I'm jumping up & down in the corner screaming, "Pick me! Pick me! I'll do it! Pick me!", only to see someone else get the stuff I want. I don't think I'm getting a Godly "slap in the face & lecture to be patient." I think God's saying, "in My good time, kiddo. Sit tight." So I'm trying. Ain't real good at it, but I'm trying.

So forgive my irregular posting. Be patient as I figure out how to get outta the funk that often consumes me, and leaves me reading other blogs, other Facebook posts, and watching other riding videos, grasping for a little hope to hang on to.

now, back to the riding, which was the whole cause of this silly website in the first place.


Stephanie said...

Life certainly does have it's ups and downs! Keep trying and keep hanging in there...
Sending you a virtual hug and Great job on those dressage tests! You are right the judges comments really reflect all the hard work you have been doing.

Wolfie said...

I think this post must have been difficult for you to write. I hope your funk doesn't last long. Take care.

GW said...

Well, you know I can relate to some of that. Thanks for listening when I was in my rough patch a couple months ago.

Jennifer said...

Yeah.. thanks folks.
Wolfie ... Not easy, not one bit. In fact, hard to admit, and harder to continue to think about getting out of it.