Sunday, February 5, 2012

2/5/12 Puddles, Inside & Out

I got a longe on H Thursday, and rode him bareback (all three gaits) Friday afternoon. Mo and I bummed around the yard Wednesday, then Friday I took him to the arena to continue working on his lightness and turning. In the canter, I paid very close attention to his footfalls, since he was moving quite slowly. Cadenced, it seemed like I could feel his hips and shoulders moving independently. I focused on my seat, relaxing while his body moved underneath me.

Harley rode dressage. Nothing super spectacular for him, but quite a bit for me. Started out at the walk, and again, I tried to feel each hoof land. Interesting, I shortened my reins, and I felt his back lift a little. Had the same results in the trot. When he'd hollow out, I felt it dramatically. In the canter, I wasn't able to feel the same hip/shoulder independence I felt with Mo, but it was still a side-to-side motion, something I haven't experienced before in the canter. Curious and worth paying closer attention to.

Things inside? Inside my head, that is. Puddly... uhm, thinking how to describe it... Generally back in that same depressed funk from previous. Now, it's got multiple causes, some of which go back much farther than my blog, my time in Texas, and beyond. I'm not comfortable "airing the laundry", but remembering back to what the previous counselor said, "I've got to stop playing the tapes". Here's a capture of just a few them, in my effort to "data dump" for the day..

biggest mistake of my life
things would've been so much different without you around
you're not going to amount to much if you keep that up
you're turning into him/her, and that's nothing to be proud of
if you're going to be involved in ___, you're going to have to be different
I would move ahead with us.. but .. it's just .. you ______

I've been marred by the thoughts. Smacking myself with a little reality, I am well educated. I am moderately successful at work. I made some pretty serious decisions about two years ago at the office, and now I'm doubting those choices. After a pretty horrible event at "church" (I use the term loosely, as someday I'll work up the courage to blog what actually happened), I've stopped attending. No sense in "faking it" with a bunch of people in charge that treated me lower than dirt. Says something about a place when they don't mind making a 30-something lady cry like a kid. With all the junk in my distant and recent past, it's all starting to impact everything. Thus the bareback ride on H when I could've just as easily saddled him. Easier to hop on quick, before I changed my mind.

All that being said, bear with me if I don't blog much more than the "bare bones" of the rides. I'm all for a good discussion, but consider kindness and thoughtfulness before sending anything my way.

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